mentally ill and horny
18+
public diary
Sometimes you just have to vent and the only one you want to vent to is the one who destroyed you. Simply put we all have our weaknesses and you're mine. I fall apart like a cascade of billowing trees knocking on the sidewalk losing control in a fit of rage as the power goes out. Am I desperate? For approval or am I bitter bashful vengeful ruinous to think that nothing could stand between us not even. Me
i am sitting on his couch. possibly for the last time. right now.
it is high time to give up. on him. my best friend. loving him and watching him love someone else hurts too much. i can’t keep crying on the bus. can’t keep begging my tarot cards for help. every text to him hurts. every text from him is false hope. i know he loves me- just not the way i need him to. i know he will be crushed when i disappear. but he will be ok. because he has her. and that’s who he has always wanted anyway.
i won’t be ok until he is gone from my mind. i won’t be ok until my mind is gone from his couch.
i have to stop living in this delusion just because it feels good. i am absolutely ruining myself.
? // marathon, louise glück // ancedote of the pig, tory adkisson // i'm not calling you a liar, florence + the machine // #6, aroarA // the love of the wolf, hélène cixous
so she was in town? the week that my stomach filled with tar and i couldn’t figure out why. the week that you just kept saying “im unavailable”. the first week in 8 months you didn’t invite me over three times. the week you only asked me over once. and then hid my snacks in your fridge crisper. and told me i had to take them with me when i left.
but my trace is still littered across your apartment. magnets on the fridge. art carefully curated for you. my snap bracelet from the night we met as decoration. but god forbid i leave the granola bars.
does she not know i exist? what are you doing to us?
i think his name is like a spell. the times i wake up at 4am with his face still burned in my dream hazed mind. a calling card. masturbation is a prayer. his name my amen. i don’t believe in being careful with what i wish for. cant help but hope with my whole heart. reckless abandon. i will continue calling for him. my futile attempts to gain control give me a feeble surge of false optimism. just for a few moments. but that seems to be all i need. to hold onto him for one more day. and one more day. and one more day. i will love him forever. even when there are no more days left.
