does any one else think it should be easier
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i am sitting on his couch. possibly for the last time. right now.
i have to stop living in this delusion just because it feels good. i am absolutely ruining myself.
so she was in town? the week that my stomach filled with tar and i couldn’t figure out why. the week that you just kept saying “im unavailable”. the first week in 8 months you didn’t invite me over three times. the week you only asked me over once. and then hid my snacks in your fridge crisper. and told me i had to take them with me when i left.
but my trace is still littered across your apartment. magnets on the fridge. art carefully curated for you. my snap bracelet from the night we met as decoration. but god forbid i leave the granola bars.
does she not know i exist? what are you doing to us?
i hear from a friend of a friend that youre thinking about rings. but of course not for me. for the girl that doesn’t know i exist. i don’t know how i knew you were slipping away from me the past two weeks. but i even asked if you were ok. you said yes. then invited me over. why? why am i walking 35 minutes and riding two busses to see you three times a week? why did you just text me to ask how many advil you should take? why do we both still piss with the door wide open? why won’t you let go of me? why can’t you just let me get over you? why do you keep asking me back? 22 months i have been ready to give you every single beat of my heart. but you won’t let me. and you won’t let me go. i have been begging and begging the moon. please i cannot stand this life so close but not close enough. she knows my prayers by heart. but won’t take mercy on my shattered soul. you’re still taking up every damn corner of my mind.
you are every violin swell. you are every smooth rock i find in forests. you are everything. absolutely everything.
but you’re someone else’s everything. and i don’t know if i can do this anymore.